Victims vs. Leaders

• By -Yvonne E. Venter-Louw

Victims vs. Leaders

• Posted on 2017-03-30
• Posted in Meaning

We often hear the following statement:

“Are you a victim or a victor”

• but what is it that sets the two apart ….?

Here are some points I have drafted to illustrate the difference between a Victim and a Leader for my oldest son.

Victims:		Leaders:
	1
Are at the mercy of others and circumstances – like puppets		Take charge of their relationships and circumstances
	2
Are inconsistent & unstable		Are steady, stable, consistent & reliable
	3
Are like a can of Coke. When shaken, they explode all over the place		Are like a bottle of still water.  When shaken, there are a few bubbles but calmness quickly returns.
	4
Wait for others to take responsibility or tell them what to do		Take the initiative to do what needs to be done or to do what they need to do
	5
Blame others		Take responsibility for their actions
	6
Are easily offended. They try so hard to please & don’t feel appreciated		Ignore insults. Are people and task centre. Act out their own inner strength and core/essence
	7
Take everything personally		Exude a sense of maturity. Reflect/mirror what is happening in the other.
	8
Are defensive & feel victimised / easily hurt		Detach & reflect on what is happening in the other
	9
Set others up to show anger to reinforce their position as the victim		Are calm, still, focused and in control Exude an aura of authority
	10
Are easily angered. Show no control of their tongue or situation		Give themselves time to think before they speak or act
	11
Are Passive or Aggressive or Passively Aggressive		Identify and acknowledge their anger which they channel constructively.
	12
Act and speak impulsively		Give themselves time to think about decisions  &  consequences through
	13
Whine and complain		Show resilience. Bounce back when something bad happens
	14
Hide behind noise, chaos and confusion		Are quiet and organised
	15
Have an unforgiving spirit, Harbour bitterness,   Nurture grudges		Set appropriate boundaries
	16
Want someone else to take care of them & make decisions for them		Take responsibility for themselves & make their own decisions
	17
Avoid taking responsibility, Avoid making decisions		Are responsible and accountable, Take responsibility for their decisions and the consequences
	18
Avoid commitment		Keep their word
	19
Don’t seek counsel		Surround themselves with wise associates
	20
Adopt the attitude of “Life is about me”		Adopt the attitude of “Life is about me & others”
	21
Are selfish and demanding		Are considerate, respectful & helpful
	22
Are ungrateful		Show appreciation freely
	23
Accept others conditionally		Accept others unconditionally, Holding the necessary boundaries to protect themselves
	24
Feel sorry for themselves. Try to get others to feel sorry for them		Show empathy to others by reflecting on their feelings & giving support, Share their story with trusted others
	25
Use & take people for granted		Respect and appreciate people
	26
Either only take or  only give		Know how to balance giving and receiving
	27
Are attention-seeking		Share the attention with others
	28
Run away from problems		Face problems
	29
Suffer from feelings of confusion, insecurity & anxiety		Are insightful and calm
	30
Need to be needed		Are aware of the difference between caring for and carrying others
	31
Are involved in other people’s affairs without giving them a chance to explore their own responsibilities		Take responsibility for themselves – their own actions, thoughts and feelings. Give support & encouragement   to others to carry their own load
	32
Control others emotionally		Have no need to control others
	33
Are  self-centred		Balance caring for self and others
	34
Don’t identify their hopes, dreams		Identify their hopes, dreams, visions &   longings
	35
Regard the fulfilment of duty as a great gift to others “who don’t care or appreciate them”		Use their gifts and talents joyfully in service that grows and guides others to maturity and leadership
	36
Focus on the negative, Assume the worst, Misery loves company		Focus on being constructive and positive, Check the facts, Move on
	37
Are resistant to personal growth		Are committed to consistent ongoing personal growth
	38
Often exhibit immature & inappropriate behaviour   Are emotionally immature		Consistently exhibit mature & appropriate behaviour   Are emotionally mature
	39
Are prone to jealousy		Are confident & clear about who they are: their strengths & weaknesses
	40
Are competitive in relationships		Are supportive in relationships
	41
Are rebellious in relationships		Are cooperative in relationships
	42
Have difficulty with setting & Holding boundaries		Set & hold appropriate and healthy boundaries
	43
Play power games, Are manipulative & Are self-interested		Are authentic, real, genuine, truthful & transparent Are disinterested
	44
Don’t have a sense of their self-worth, Are strangers to themselves		Have a true sense of their identity, Are at home with themselves
	45
Think they need to prove themselves		Have no need to prove them. Act out of their core essence
	46
Have undefined & unrealistic expectations of others.		Ask for what they need
	47
Assume others will automatically  take responsibility for meeting their needs		Take responsibility for asking for what they need
	48
Are re-active, Re-act to what is happening around them		Are proactive, Choose what they think, do and say
	49
Wait for things to happen		Make things happen
	50
Want to do all the talking and have the last word		Are skilled and disciplined listeners Are close & critical observers
	51
Are often disconnected from themselves, others and by   implication God Himself		Are integrated, unified and focused
	52
Are spectators, Take very little or no initiative.   Criticise the initiatives of others		Are participants, Take initiative and calculated risks. They push through with what they need to do
	53
Undervalue who they are so people undervalue what they do & say		Value who they are so people value what they do & say
	54
Make excuses when held to account.		Take responsibility when held to account.
	55
Don’t identify their vulnerability (feelings) & limits which then have power over them		Identify their vulnerability ( feelings) & limits which then don’t have power over them. “The vulnerable become invulnerable”
	56
Have deep-seated feelings of inadequacy and fear		Have a sense of competency and trust

ADDITIONAL NOTES:

On a continuum, both victims and leaders can fall off the edge and both need to grow towards something more balanced.

There are shades of grey between each end of the continuum.

The victim role is immensely subtle.

Often there are no obvious elements.

It is often only when a person experiences irritability, anger, guilt & even hurt that he realises he has been caught by the victim.

Leaders in their confidence & strength can become unteachable.

The strength of character of the leader must not become

∆          overbearing

∆          bullying

∆          too demanding

The goal is to move towards a balanced approach to life.

I hope these notes assist you as well as it did for him.

To your continued success,

With Love, Gratitude and Grace,
Yvonne E. Venter-Louw

• Founding Director and Principal Advisor/ Coach/ Mentor
• [Certified: -Financial Planner, -Financial Management, -Financial Coach, -Life Coach, Hypnotherapist (Subliminal & NLP), Numerologist, Herbologist, RE5, KI1, MBA, MLOLP, Accredited CMS, Dip. Psych.]

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